Today's report is written by Easy10...

An eventful session this morning at the Inquiry, which saw an extraordinary display of what I can only describe as "hustling" by the deceptively tranquil Ms Hawkins, of the Friends of Sheepcote Valley. Middle-aged and mild-mannered, Mrs Hawkins, speaking up on behalf of the Friends of Sheepcote (who clearly do NOT want a stadium built there) played an absolute BLINDER for the Albion today, and craftily left it to the last before catching Mr White (the LDC lawyer) completely off-guard just as the days proceedings were entering injury time. But I'll come to that.

I took my place in the council chamber at about 9.25. The first thing I noticed was a rather well-thumbed edition of yesterdays Guardian on the small desk in front of me. Perhaps this was an indication of the (less than) riveting debate which had preceded this mornings session? The crossword was almost completed (6 down, 8 letters, capital of Finland) - even though the 'E' and 'L' of 'Helsinki' were present, the Guardian reader clearly had reached a mental block at this point, and abandoned it. He or she had instead seen fit to draw an elaborate and fetching sweeping moustache on Camilla Parker Bowles as she peered out of the window of a limo. Good work.

Having taken this in, I glanced across at the "away end" which usually houses the NIMBY brigade. A solitary elderly gentleman sat alone, staring fixedly at the back of the bench in front. He was completely motionless, was stooping slightly, and appeared to be covered in a light dust - which led me to suspect that he may been there all night since the close of yesterdays session. If his enormous eyebrows hadn't been so realistic, I'd have sworn he was a lovingly crafted waxwork dummy, but he gave himself away when Martin Perry arrived and dropped his laptop on the desk, making the crusty old gent nearly jump out of his skin.

So at 9.30 sharp it was down to business as Mrs Hawkings took to the stand. She set her stall out early doors by announcing that "we" (ie the Friends of Sheepcote Valley) "will not be answering the Deputy Prime Ministers questions as set out in his letter. We will instead be focusing on the environmental and visual impact a stadium would have at Sheepcote". She then went on to admit that "we're not really very expert at appearing at public inquiries". (She could have fooled me, going by what she came out with later on, but I digress). In her introduction, we discovered that Mrs Hawkins had grown up on a farm, is a much sought-after art director, and a keen walker who has trodden from the valleys of Sheepcote, to the snowy peaks of the Alps, and the treacherous foothills of Nepal. This woman knows a nice walk when she see's one. Added to this, as an artist, Mrs Hawkins assured us that "I am very good at knowing if things look....nice". I swear she gave a knowing wink at Megan at this point, but she may have had something in her eye. She then likened the stadium design to that of an "alien spacecraft", which triggered images of Close Encounters in my minds eye - lots of little silhouetted figures wandering around in front of the grand mother ship. It looked quite cool in my head anyway.

Mrs Hawkins then embarked on a long, detailed and diverse description of Sheepcote Valley, accompanied by a slide show competently directed by her colleague, Bernard. We were shown various views of Sheepcote, looking in various directions. Mrs Hawkins took us along numerous "informal walking paths" around Sheepcote - by "informal" I took this as meaning casual attire was quite acceptable. The paths had been trodden in to the landscape by generations of ruddy, rosy-cheeked ramblers down the years. We were treated to a picture of a field containing a small dog in the foreground. "That" said Mrs Hawkins, "is Mrs Barkers dog. You'll be hearing from her later". I assumed she meant Mrs Barker, and not her dog, and then found myself idly wondered what Mrs Barkers mutt was called, but the moment passed and Mrs Hawkins was pressing on.

We were shown a picture of the Pikey, sorry, Caravan Club site, which has apparently won the David Bellamy Gold award for low light levels and sustainable practices, which was marvelous. We were then treated to an extreme close-up of a "Vipus Buglos" which apparently, can form part of a huge bush. Pulses started racing, but any hopes of some German/Italian porn were sadly dashed when the "vipus buglos" turned out to be a rather unremarkable looking purple flower. Mrs Hawkins was sufficiently excited by this scrubby plant to assure us that "Mrs Barker will elaborate on this later". Hold the front page then. We also had a look at some bee orchids, which, Mrs Hawkins claimed, "People absolutely love". Apparently they look and smell like bee's, which makes the dear old male bumble bee bumble along and, err, mate with them. Which must be nice for bee's. I mean it'd be nice for men as well, if there was a plant which looked and smelled like a woman, which we could just go outside and hump at will. Damn, I think I'D object to a stadium if it meant no more of that.

It was at this point that I began to realise why people like Mrs Hawkins are referred to as "ramblers". My life, did she go on. Mrs Hawkins is also a "Health Walk Leader" you see. In case we doubted it, she produced a slide of her and several bored looking individuals standing on a hillside, about to embark on a "Health Walk". Sensing that the audience was flagging, she felt moved to justify way each of the walkers was looking bored out of their skulls. "This picture" she explained "was taken while lady with the blue rucksack was going through the health and safety issues with everyone". Ahhh, so THATS why they're bored. "We had a lot of fun once we got going" assured Mrs Hawkings, "and saw lots of butterflies that day, which was thrilling". Wonderful. Sign me up.

The next slide saw us presented with a completely black screen. "Sheepcote by night ?" I wondered. No, apologies from Mrs Hawkins and Bernard, but they'd lost that particular slide. I'm sure it was a marvelous scene anyway. Finally (for the slideshow) we were asked to make a mental note of a tall, slim, middle-aged woman in a sturdy pair of walking boots". No other explanation at that point, but we'll come back to that. By now, Martin Perry was hunched over his laptop. I couldn't see exactly what it was he was doing, but I think he may well have been on a Halo 2 link-up, shooting frags or something. He was probably having more fun than we all were anyway. Megan sat next to Martin, sucking furiously on the end of her pen. I can't even begin to tell you how erotic that was, so I'd best move on.

Thankfully, that was the end of the slides. She pointed at a map and kept referring to a "compartment K - thats where the lizards go" - I just couldn't quite imagine Mrs Hawkins hanging out with the likes of Safeway and Chappers, but it didn't that important, and the moment passed. Mrs Hawkins then referred to a Quality of Life indicator, drawn up between the RSPB and the government. This document has 15 "Headline Indictors", and number 13 out of 15 had caught Mrs Hawkins eye. Point H13 states that "Our happiness and wellbeing depends on the number of skylarks". This was news to me - my happiness and wellbeing is usually intrinsically linked between the number of points we get on a Saturday, and the number of pints I have consumed. Skylarks ? I'm not too fussed to be honest. But each to their own I guess.

This foray into ornithology led nicely to the next witness, Mr Harry Pugh (also one of Sheepcotes mates). A white-haired gentleman of senior years (sound familiar ?), Harry was something of an expert on the birds. Harry took us through the 40-odd species of birds which have been recorded at Sheepcote. Apparently, Sheepcote is a handy stop-off point for birds migrating north from the African continent to nest - kind of like an ecologically sound McDonalds drive-thru for the little feathered travelers I guess. It also see's numerous other species which are often "blown off course" on their way to Siberia - smart little fella's, on their way to a freezing, grim Soviet wasteland, yet STILL they try to avoid the perils of Whitehawk, Moulscoumbe and Sheepcote on their way at all costs, and are only ever found there if they're either blown there, or lost.

Harry was very fond of Skylarks - in fact, I'm pretty sure that as far as birds go, the Skylark is very much Harrys "centerfold". Skylarks are often seen at Sheepcote, but Harry was agitated that a stadium would see them wiped out. "Can you imagine the FULL GLORY of a skylark ascending, in the middle of a football stadium ?" he pleaded rhetorically. Unlikely, I had to concede. Although the full glory of an ascending 30 yard drive into the roof of the net from Chippy was enough to get me moist, but whatever flicks yer switch I suppose.

Harry wrapped up his presentation with a quote from a 200 year-old letter penned by the then-US President Thomas Jefferson (the relevance of which, to the Albions application for a football stadium in 2005, still escapes me. But lets indulge). Jefferson, quoted by Harry, advised that "I want to know that we did our best to preserve the quality of life for their people of tomorrow. What will we give up today, for the people of tomorrow ?" Stirring stuff. Martin Perry was almost moved to tears, and I must admit to having a lump in my throat, although that may have been the Werthers Original I was choking on at the time. According to Harry "the skylarks survival is inseparable from our own quality of life"...O-kaaaaaay.

Jon Clay had no questions for Harry. Mr White did though, and began badgering Harry on whether he'd read all the other ecological evidence. "Some of it" said Harry. "The clubs evidence on Falmer states that it is possible to develop a stadium without impacting on the environment" said Mr White. Harry looked a bit nonplussed. "Have you READ the evidence ?" Asked Mr White, somewhat snottily. "Not all of it, no" said Harry. "So you're appearing at this Inquiry not having read all the evidence ?" said White. Poor old Harry was getting a bit of a beasting from Mr White, to the point where the Inspector jumped in and told White, effectively, to "BACK OFF". "Mr Pugh is NOT an expert witness" said the inspector, and "cannot be expected to have read up on all aspects of the Inquiry". Mr White duley shut the fuck up and sat down sulkily with "no further questions".

Mr Brier (the inspector) then asked a couple of general questions about nesting habits, and how a stadium at Sheepcote could adversely affect them. "The birds just wouldn't come any more" said Harry. Mr Brier, perhaps revealing some knowledge of bird watching and an anecdotal knowledge of being at a football match, observed that he'd sometimes seen pied wagtails land on a football pitch and fly off, so stadiums didn't seem to affect that particular breed too badly. "Well" said Harry, and shrugged. "I suppose if we want to attract more pied wagtails, we should build more football stadiums then". Which earned a chuckle from the galleries. Harry left the dock intact following his interrogation by White, and looked relieved to be back in his seat.

Ann Barker, the flower enthusiast with the small dog, was next up. An elderly lady who took us through a dreary examination of the various flowers and shrubs which are resplendent at Sheepcote. I won't dwell on her, but the highlight of her presentation was her excitement last year at having found a plant that was thought to be EXTINCT............in Sussex. Quite how I missed that in the Argus is anyone's guess, but Mrs Barker assured us that she'd be hunting this plant down in the spring, and calling in a "Countryside Ranger" to have it recorded and documented. Thanks for that, Ann. Unsurprisingly, there were no questions from anyone.

Following that, Ms Hawkins was back to wrap things up. Added to the plethora of walks, birds, flowers and shrubs at Sheepcote, there are also the mammals to consider. There is apparently a large colony of weasels at Sheepcote, and actually seeing one of those is "just like getting a giant present". Having seen the weasel-like features of Norman Baker and David Bellotti, I found this difficult to buy into to be honest, but we'll give her the benefit. Were also told about the badgers - "lovely creatures, but very vicious"...hmmm, maybe not so lovely then ? Ms Hawkins told us of the "northern badgers" (ie North Sheepcote) - apparently, these little critters have spent the entire winter burrowing and tunneling all around Sheepcote Valley. Had they sought planning permission for their excavation activities from the local council ? I very much doubt it, but this point seemed lost in the proceedings. Ms Hawkins then brought us back to the slim lady in walking boots (remember ? she asked you to make a mental note - SHAME on you if you've forgotten). Anyway, Ms Hawkins read out a letter from Slim Lady In Walking Boots, which was basically a Dear Deirdre, about how walking around Sheepcote had got her fit and given her back her self-esteem she'd lost cos she'd got fat. Or something. All hugely uplifting I'm sure (we even learnt where she'd bought her walking boots - it was Milletts, in case you were wondering). Hey - I never said this was going to be a THRILL RIDE, did I ?

Anyway, on to the coup-de-grace of the day (I can tell you are tiring). Mr White stood up and saw fit to suggest that Mr Clay had "no right" to question Ms Hawkins, as her presentation was actually "supporting the case of the club" - no shit. Mr Clay stood up and said Mr White was talking out of his arse - "I am entitled to question Ms Hawkings, on questions of clarification on her presentation. If you (the inspector) consider my questions inappropriate or objectionable then you can jump in". Mr Briers agreed, so that shut White up. Mr Clay then asked some general stuff about dedicated public open spaces in East Brighton, nothing too taxing.

During this exchange, the Inspector (Mr Briers) got a bit of a shock. Quite literally. He began fiddling with a desk-top lamp which was switched on and trained on the various documents he had on his desk. Just as he reached behind the lamp to adjust the direction it was facing, there was a small 'pop', a blinding flash, and a puff of smoke from the lamp as the light bulb blew. The startled inspector jerked his hand away instinctively and took several seconds to compose himself (all the time, Mr Clay and Ms Hawkins carried on talking). Clearly shaken, Mr Briers looked helplessly around until a council woman came trotting to the front and unscrewed the bulb. They both exchanged some concerned glances, before peering gingerly into the lamp socket for a few seconds. The woman muttered something and then left the chamber (holding the offending bulb). We never saw her again, and Mr Briers remained blanketed in gloom.

Now, finally, the Killer Exchange between Ms Hawkins and Mr White. White limbered up his cross-examination of Hawkins with an easy one. "Do the Friends of Sheepcote Valley think that Brighton & Hove Albion should have a permanent home ?" he asked.
"Yes, we do" replied Mrs H.
"Where ?" said White
"In an urban setting" said Mrs H
"Whereabouts though ?" said White.
"We don't have the time to look around for alternate sites for stadiums, that's not our business" said Mrs H (a not unreasonable point).
White left it there. He then suggested that a stadium at Sheepcote would not affect Ms Hawkins's much-vaunted "Health walks", as walkers and ramblers could still walk round the stadium were it built there. Ms H agreed that the walking routes would still be available, but that the walks would be somewhat spoiled by a 22,000 seater stadium being there. "Thats just a matter of opinion" said White sniffily.

And then came the slam-dunk. Mr White began by saying that Ms H had stated that Ditchling Beacon was a lovely area for walking, but that it was not as easily accessible by bus or foot as Sheepcote...which Ms H conceded as being correct. "Hello" we thought "we've suddenly jumped to the transport / accessibility issues here..." Palms began sweating. Ms H is a walker, an artist, a rambler...what on earth could she know to fend off a grilling from White on this line of questioning...he's got her now...we needn't have worried. She'd been hustling us all along.

She began tentatively, lulling White in. "Am I allowed to say this ?" she said cautiously to the Inspector...after the required assurances came forth, Ms Hawkins LAUNCHED into an articulate barrage of facts and figures which clearly caught White completely off-guard. It went something like this:

"I've been reading some of the evidence and forecasts given on people walking to Sheepcote from Moulscoumbe railway station" she began. "And I just couldn't believe what I was reading". Go on. "The walking speeds are assumed at being between 3 and 4mph from the station to Sheepcote. However, the routes from the station to the stadium takes absolutely NO account of GRADIANT. Naysmiths Rule (no idea who Naysmith is, but it souded impressive) states that if walking at 3mph, you need to add 3 minutes for every 100ft you ascend. With the considerable gradient between the train station and Sheepcote Valley, I would estimate you would need to add in at least an additional 20-25 minutes walking time to the walking time calculations submitted to this inquiry". In other words - there's a whacking great hill for people to huff and puff up and over, but the calculations given by LDC only seem to have people walking straight across nice level ground.

White looked a little nonplussed, but before he could interrupt, Ms Hawkins was off again. "I am a Health Walk Leader, have walked with many members of the Sussex Downsmen, and those are EXPERIENCED walkers. Even a relatively fit person may have difficulty walking to Sheepcote from the station". It got better. "Added to this, consider the fact that when you walk, your back sweats. Football fans who have walked that distance to Sheepcote would end up sitting in pools of their own sweat - which would be unpleasant, especially on cold nights. Not only that, it could actually end up being dangerous. These factors would probably end up putting people off the idea of walking to Sheepcote altogether".

Indeed. We'd probably end up being the smelliest bunch of fans in the entire League - they'd be selling Lynx at the turnstiles. Mr White didn't seem to have ANYTHING to say about the issues Ms Hawkins presented on walking.

"Lets get back to buses then" said Mr White rather glibly. "Its very accessible by bus"

Thanks Mrs H. Although not strictly speaking on the clubs side, she played a blinder for us today - and for my money, she's more than persuaded me that (unlike the field at Falmer), Sheepcote Valley is GENUINELY an area which people do enjoy for its nature and beauty. Although their rambling ways sound HUGELY dull to me, they have a right to continue to enjoy their area of countryside, which they've worked hard at to landscape and cultivate following the land filling which took place. Unlike Falmer, its not next to a whacking great dual carriageway, and its not hemmed in by a load of ugly concrete 60's buildings. So on both transport AND ecological grounds, Sheepcote is by far less preferable to Falmer...which we know anyway, but I feel I've got a greater understanding of the real value of the area to its residents.